Finding Peace, Resilience and Connection During the Holidays: A Guide for Trauma Survivors
The holiday season can be a time of warmth and connection, but for trauma survivors, it can also bring a surge of stress and anxiety as the nervous system alerts us to threats rooted in past experiences. Family gatherings, financial pressure, and societal expectations may amplify the emotional and physical effects lingering from past experiences, making it difficult to navigate this time with peace, regulation and resilience. However, the holidays don’t have to be a season of overwhelming stress.
By prioritising self-care, setting healthy boundaries, and being mindful of emotional triggers, trauma survivors can create a safe space for healing and connection. Embracing simplicity, fostering meaningful relationships, and practising strategies that stimulate the vagus nerve to calm the nervous system can shift the focus from anxiety to a deeper sense of peace. With the right tools and support, trauma survivors can reclaim their holidays and find the strength to thrive through the season with intention, resilience, and joy.
Understanding the Emotional Challenges of the Holidays
The holiday season can be particularly challenging for trauma survivors due to its potential to trigger nervous system dysregulation. This state, marked by heightened anxiety, emotional exhaustion or numbness, or even shutdown, often arises in response to holiday stressors like complicated family dynamics, financial pressures, or overwhelming sensory experiences such as crowded spaces, loud music, or festive lighting. These external stimuli can amplify feelings of anxiety, overwhelm, or disconnection, leaving many to question why the season feels more stressful than joyful.
It’s important to understand that these reactions are natural and rooted in the body’s response to perceived threats, even when those threats aren’t immediately apparent. Self-awareness is a powerful tool in navigating these challenges. By identifying personal triggers, such as particular events, people, conversations, or settings, you can begin to create strategies for support and safety. Recognising patterns, and responses and learning to trust the body again is the first step toward fostering emotional resilience during the holidays.
The Power of Boundary Setting – Understanding What Boundaries Really Are
Boundaries are deeply personal. They’re not about controlling others or fixing the world—they’re about managing our own emotional well-being. A boundary stems from understanding what triggers us and creating space to lessen the impact. It’s not about the trigger itself or anyone else’s behaviour; it’s about how we take responsibility for our own “stuff.”
One common misunderstanding is seeing boundaries as something others must respect. As challenging as it is, boundaries are ours to uphold, if someone doesn’t honour them, that’s not their failure—it’s ours if we continue to allow the trigger to persist without making changes for ourselves. Saying, “You don’t respect my boundaries” shifts responsibility away from where it belongs: with us.
A good boundary reduces the impact of the trigger. For example, if a family member’s criticism leaves you distressed, a boundary might be limiting how much feedback you absorb or creating a plan to process it without internalising it. It’s about protecting your peace, not controlling someone else.
To regulate a dysregulated nervous system, we must shift our focus inward—managing our triggers, reactions, and emotional baggage rather than trying to control external circumstances. This process isn’t easy, it involves recognising learned behaviours that no longer serve us and reframing our experiences to regain control over our emotional responses. Boundaries are a crucial tool in this transformation. By identifying triggers and creating containment around our vulnerabilities, we can avoid a reaction that creates further distress.
Boundaries can be understood as a “shield” around our emotional wounds from past experiences, allowing us to engage with life from a calmer, more empowered state.
Recognising Stress Levels
Rising stress, and the lingering effects of past trauma are not always easy to recognise. We can become disconnected from feelings and bodily sensations so knowing the various signs of nervous system dysregulation and distress is important.
Physical sensations often act as early warning signs of increased stress during this time. The demands of holiday preparations and family interactions can manifest as muscle tension, headaches, a racing heart, or shallow breathing. These bodily signals act as important alerts, urging us to pause and bring mindful awareness to our state. Individuals with a history of trauma may also find themselves becoming more appeasing in social or family dynamics, often as an unconscious effort to calm and neutralise perceived threats, such as conflict, shifts in tone, internal sensations, or external triggers.
While these responses are effective survival strategies in dangerous situations, they are less suited to holiday gatherings or preparations. Instead, they can leave us feeling angry, frustrated, or emotionally drained, as these adaptive behaviors clash with the festive environment. Recognising these patterns is the first step toward navigating them with greater awareness and self-compassion.
Strategies For Nervous System Regulation
Incorporate stress-relief techniques such as breathing strategies and progressive muscle relaxation into your routine. Deep breathing exercises, like box breathing or 4-7-8 breathing, help calm the nervous system and center your mind. Progressive muscle relaxation, where you tense and release different muscle groups, can ease physical tension and promote a sense of calm.
Mindfulness or meditation practices tailored to trauma survivors, such as guided body scans or grounding exercises, can further soothe a dysregulated nervous system.
Allow Feelings of Grief Without Shame
Grief can be complicated, and linger in moments that spark memories and emotions. Honor your needs by allowing space for grief without shame. This might involve creating new traditions to honor lost loved ones or modify old ones to suit your emotional state. Above all, practice self-compassion—acknowledge your feelings without judgment and care for yourself as you would a dear friend.
Managing mental illness, trauma, substance use disorder, or eating disorders during the holidays requires patience, compassion, and open communication. Clearly express your needs and boundaries, especially around food and alcohol. Prioritise self-care by recognising your limits and seeking support from professionals or groups when needed.
Above all, practice self-compassion, it’s okay to prioritise mental health while maintaining a balanced and mindful approach to the season. Your well-being comes first.
Sources
Fry, B. (2019). The invisible lion.
Porges, S.W. (1995) ‘Orienting in a defensive world: Mammalian modifications of our evolutionary heritage. A Polyvagal Theory’, Psychophysiology. Received March 6, 1995; Accepted March 23, 1995, 32(4), pp. 301–318. Available at: https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1469-8986.1995.tb01213.x.
Toussaint L, Nguyen QA, Roettger C, Dixon K, Offenbächer M, Kohls N, Hirsch J, Sirois F. Effectiveness of Progressive Muscle Relaxation, Deep Breathing, and Guided Imagery in Promoting Psychological and Physiological States of Relaxation. Evid Based Complement Alternat Med. 2021 Jul 2;2021:5924040. doi: 10.1155/2021/5924040. PMID: 34306146; PMCID: PMC8272667.
