According to Thomaes & Brummelman, the development of narcissism begins at around the ages of 7 or 8(()). This is the time when children begin to evaluate themselves according to how they perceive others. Although narcissism comes partly down to genes, it is also impacted by the environment and early childhood experiences. If a child grows up with loving, warm and supportive parents who take an active interest in what they do and in their life as a whole, the child is much more likely to conclude that they are innately worthy, as their primary caregivers certainly seem to think so.
However, if a child is bought up by parents who over-exaggerate the child’s qualities, praising them for everything superficial that they do, this type of parenting style can lead the child to deduce that in some ways they are superior to others, a core belief of all narcissists. If, at the same time, the parents don’t connect properly, or engage only superficially with the child, this can contribute to insecure attachment and a major attachment dysfunction which can result in a traumatic rupturing of the child’s psyche. As well as believing themselves to be better than others, they will receive the conflicting message that their innermost selves and feelings are not worth attention. This article wants to further explore the idea that lack of parental engagement in a child’s life, Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN), can result in narcissistic traits developing within an individual.
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At What Age Does Narcissism Develop in Children?
Narcissism does not appear overnight. It tends to begin to emerge from around the age 7 to 8, which is when children start to develop the ability to form what psychologists call a global self-evaluation. Before this age, young children will describe themselves in very concrete ways, perhaps saying they can run fast or that they have a red bicycle. From around the age 7 to 8 onwards, however, they begin to make wider judgements about themselves as a whole person, with thoughts such as “I am special”, “I am better than other children”, or “I am unworthy.”
The most well-known research in this area is by Brummelman, Thomaes and colleagues. Their 2015 study followed 565 children aged 7 to 12 along with their parents, and found that parental overvaluation, where parents treat their child as more special and more entitled than others, predicted higher levels of narcissism over time. Parental warmth, on the other hand, was found to predict healthy self-esteem rather than narcissism. This is one of the main reasons age 7 to 8 is now widely considered the earliest age at which narcissism can be reliably measured.
Earlier signs may sometimes be seen in toddlers and preschoolers, such as a strong desire for attention or a sensitivity to criticism. However, these are not narcissism in themselves, and they only really become a concern when they sit alongside ongoing emotional misattunement at home.
It is also important to remember that this is the age at which narcissistic traits can begin to be measured, not the age at which narcissistic personality disorder is diagnosed. Narcissism exists on a spectrum that runs right through the general population, and many people who sit higher on this spectrum will go on to live perfectly functional lives. The clinical disorder is generally only identified in early adulthood, once a long-standing pattern of grandiosity, a need for admiration and a lack of empathy has become clear across many areas of life.
A child who shows narcissistic traits at the age of 8 is therefore not destined to develop the full disorder. With responsive parenting, secure attachment and consistent emotional attunement, many of these traits can soften as the child matures.
Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN)
A child who is raised by parents who fail to respond adequately to their emotions and child emotional needs for whatever reason, may experience Childhood Emotional Neglect. As a child who doesn’t get their emotional needs met, they receive a subliminal message, basically telling them that their needs are not important enough to be taken care of. When this happens, as a protective tool, often children will grow up learning to push down any emotion, or block them out altogether.
Although hiding from emotions may have worked as a protective measure in childhood, as an adult it can have serious negative affects on your ability to function normally. Numbing yourself from your feelings will keep you disconnected and isolated from other people, stopping you from being able to form healthy relationships. It will also make you feel less valued and less worthy than other people.
Narcissism
Narcissism is a spectrum. People can vary between having slight narcissistic personality traits to clinically diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder. Individuals with traits of narcissism may be self centred and grandiose. They may also be willing to walk over others in order to get where they want to in life.
When someone has clinically diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder, often described as pathological narcissism, it is much more extreme. They will have a desperate need to be admired, believe themselves to be better in every way than others, have no ability to feel empathy and as such will fully exploit other people to fulfil their own status and achieve ultimate control and power.
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Narcissism Exists on a Spectrum
Narcissism is not a simple yes or no label. It exists on a spectrum, ranging from mild narcissistic traits in otherwise healthy people right through to clinically diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder.
Most of us will recognise moments of self-centredness or a desire to be admired in ourselves at some point in life. Wanting to feel special, or to be acknowledged for our achievements, is a normal part of being human. Only a small proportion of people, however, sit at the more extreme end of the spectrum, where narcissistic traits become pervasive and clinically significant. At this end, we tend to see a marked lack of empathy, a strong sense of entitlement, and a pattern of exploiting other people in order to get personal needs met.
Where someone sits on this spectrum is shaped to a large extent by their early childhood experiences. As mentioned above, the combination of parental overvaluation and emotional neglect can push a child away from the healthy middle ground of self-confidence and towards the more extreme end. A child who is constantly told they are exceptional, but whose emotional inner world is ignored, can grow up needing constant external validation simply to feel any sense of self at all. This is very different from the steady, grounded self-esteem that develops when a child is loved, seen and understood for who they really are.
How Narcissistic Traits May Appear in Childhood
In children who are moving towards the more extreme end of the spectrum, certain behaviours tend to stand out. These can include an excessive need for praise and reassurance, grandiose statements about themselves and what they can do, real difficulty in accepting any kind of criticism or correction, and a noticeable lack of empathy when peers are upset or in need.
It is worth saying that a degree of self-centred behaviour is completely developmentally normal in young children. Toddlers and small children are naturally focused on their own needs, and they slowly learn over time to consider the feelings of others. The pattern only really raises concern when these behaviours are persistent, intense, and sit alongside entitlement and a tendency to manipulate other children or adults in order to get what they want.
When this pattern does appear, it is rarely random. It is often shaped by the parenting environment described earlier, including controlling parenting, over-praise for superficial qualities, and emotional maltreatment in which a child’s feelings are dismissed or ignored. Some children may develop grandiose or self-protective behaviours as a way of managing feelings of insecurity, shame, or unmet emotional needs.
It is important to stress, however, that not every child showing these traits will go on to develop narcissistic personality disorder. With responsive parenting, attuned therapy and a chance to feel genuinely seen and understood, many children can move back towards a healthier sense of self.
How Childhood Emotional Neglect and Narcissism Are Connected
There are many reasons children may not have had their emotional needs met, one of which could be that they were raised by a narcissistic parent or exposed to emotional abuse. Because narcissistic parents will be focussed on getting their own needs met, the needs of their children go unattended. It can then often become a perpetuating cycle as many narcissistic people will themselves have grown up with extreme narcissists for parents and experienced an acute variety of emotional neglect. Narcissism may in part be down to genes, but often a narcissist will also have grown up in a household where their emotional needs were not only completely ignored, but also where they would have been superficially praised for things that are meaningless or indeed inaccurate. Emotional neglect along with a misplaced sense of superiority is at the core of every narcissist.
At the centre of both individuals suffering with narcissism and those with CEN is often the same feelings of being alone, empty and insignificant. They just have two very different ways of expressing these feelings. Although these two disorders are very different externally, in a strange, contradictory way ,they actually serve to cause and perpetuate each other, especially as many CEN sufferers are attracted to narcissists in adult life.
If you have a client, or know of someone who is struggling to find the right help for either Childhood Emotional Neglect or Narcissism, reach out to us at Khiron Clinics. We believe that we can improve therapeutic outcomes and avoid misdiagnosis by providing an effective residential program and out-patient therapies addressing underlying psychological trauma. Allow us to help you find the path to realistic, long lasting recovery. For information, call us today. UK: 020 3811 2575 (24 hours). USA: (866) 801 6184 (24 hours).
Frequently Asked Questions
What kind of childhood creates a narcissist?
A childhood shaped by controlling parenting and emotional maltreatment, where a child feels emotionally vulnerable and unseen, can lay the groundwork for narcissism. Grandiose self-views often develop as a way of compensating for unmet emotional needs at home.
Are people born with narcissistic personality?
No one is simply born a narcissist. Genetics may play a small part, but narcissism is largely shaped by early environment. Attachment security and health, built through warm and attuned caregiving, protect against narcissism, while inconsistent or neglectful parenting can push a child the other way.
Are certain personality characteristics in children temporary responses to stress?
Yes, many worrying traits in children are short-term reactions to stress, change, or unmet needs rather than fixed personality features. With consistent emotional support and a sense of safety at home, these behaviours will often fade as the child settles.
Can children with difficult early experiences still develop a healthy personality in adulthood?
Yes. Children are remarkably adaptable, and difficult early experiences do not seal a person’s fate. With responsive relationships, attuned therapy, and trauma-informed support, many can heal the underlying wounds and develop a grounded, healthy sense of self in adulthood.
Sources:
- Brummelman, Eddie, Gurel, Cisem, Thomaes, Sander and Sedikides, Constantine (2017) What separates narcissism from self-esteem? A social-cognitive analysis.
