We are very grateful to our client for sharing the following extracts of a blog written while in residence at Khiron House.
Start of A Journey
I feel like I’ve been stuck in a holding cell my whole adult life. Neither condemned to a life sentence nor free to live my life happily and purposefully.
So now I’m embarking on a journey of discovery, looking for the path back to a horrible place to thaw the trauma and let my nervous system return to a stable, calm place.
On Benjamin’s advice I have booked myself into a residential trauma clinic for two months. From what I can see so far it is a pretty intense program of therapy, meditation and relaxation. I’m hopeful for a positive outcome and impatient to walk in the warmth without the ice monster that has been gradually taking over my being.
“The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” Lao Tzu
Before I arrived at the trauma clinic I was quite apprehensive at the thought of sharing a house with a number of strangers. And particularly nervous about sharing a room and bathroom with someone. What if I really didn’t like them? Where would I retreat to?
Luckily I bonded with my room-mate straight away and felt relatively relaxed in our shared space.
I was very mindful of how I interacted with my house-mates, often unsure of how to be around them. However I quickly had a sense that this was a place of no judgments. Everyone is on their own journey and respectful of the journey you yourself are on. There is a sense of camaraderie, compassion and support as, although we all have very different stories, we are all united by trauma and this process.
What I am struggling with is the moments where I feel I want to withdraw and not interact with people. I want to be able to go to the kitchen and make a cup of tea or cook food, use the computer or watch TV without having to make eye contact or answer any questions. I don’t want to have to ask or consult people every time I want to switch a light off or watch something on TV. I want to be alone with my dog and shut out the world….
“No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.” – Gautama Buddha
Potholes and Ice
When you finally see a light at the end of what seems to have been a never ending tunnel, you’re so distracted and focused on heading toward that light that you forget that there is a bumpy road to travel and there will inevitably be potholes and speed bumps along the way….. Occasionally it feels like you’re heading in the right direction and making some headway when you hit a patch of black ice which puts you into a spin, resulting in a loss of direction. You didn’t see it coming, it came totally out of the blue and now the light has vanished and you’re completely at a loss as to how to find it, and despite exhaustion and lack of willingness you just have to start moving again.
That’s what I have to keep telling myself… just keep moving. Find the tarmac and just keep moving
“You may not be responsible for being down, but you must be responsible for getting up.” – Jesse Jackson
Toying with An Idea
I started this blog as a kind of personal therapy, a way of putting something down in black and white to make sense of my feelings or emotions..Since being in the trauma clinic I have thoroughly enjoyed recounting my experiences to date. I have been intrigued and astounded by this relatively alternative approach to depression, anxiety, etc and my confidence in the process is growing daily.
Who knew my “clinical depression” could ultimately stem from a car accident?..
I used to be embarrassed and feel ashamed of having depression, especially with my lack of comprehension of where it was coming from. Since having been offered an explanation I have noticed there is less internal resistance to voicing my “mental illness” ailments. And with that a sense of relief.
One thing I have become aware through my therapy so far is my lack self compassion. I have buckets of it for other people, but I’m continually hard on myself. Perhaps these blog posts could be a positive step in my discovery of self compassion and being kind to me.
So here I sit today, writing this blog to share not only with the friends and family that I trust implicitly, but with the world. I’m sending it out into the ether and letting it tell my story.
It’s scary and difficult but a part of me wants it to be known. I hope you enjoy it and perhaps one day it can help someone…. somewhere…
“What wisdom can you find that is greater than kindness?” – Jean-Jacques Rousseau
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